Its been 53 days, since I have had the pleasure of going our for a drink with my friends, been to spin class, shopped in an actual store, not worn a glove while pumping gas, or done my official kiddo greeting duties at the front door of the school. My May and early June Glamping reservations have been canceled by DNR. I also own multiple masks that I can switch out based on my outfit…although my OCD prefers one specific one. I ordered food from one of those meal delivery places because I am tired of my own cooking, and equally tired of takeout. I have plenty of toilet paper, but my stock of pocket bacs is running a little low. (EEEEK) I started an indoor garden, that I plan to move outdoors eventually, but I can’t bring myself to organize a cupboard. I did however clean out and replenish my seasoning cabinet…it appears high end organic spices are not in high demand right now. We may be facing a meat shortage, my hair looks like the crypt keepers…minus the grey…thank God, and my dog needs to go to the groomer. Bad.
I recognize there will be some silver linings once this whole thing is over. For example, Victoria’s Secret will be having one heck of an amazing semi annual sale since they closed storefronts right before they put the summer line out….but it was probably securely in the store rooms just waiting….
Back at work, (actual work) half days a few days a week has been such a blessing! I miss the kids like crazy, but it is nice to socially distantly see a few people each day as the teachers and the paras are allowed to come in a work as well. We are posting materials online, and mailing materials out for pick up for distance learning, and looking ahead to next year.
This also means my kids are distance learning. OMG. Don’t even ask how long it has been since I have graphed linear equations…and I certainly do not use that information to be successful in my job. No offence to the math teachers out there, but my algebra teacher lied to me. And now I am lying to my younger son as I die on the hill known as ‘Show your work’….further up was the hill I was buried on, known as “Show your damn work because I said”. Neither of those hills were hills I should have died on….but I did. But the thing is, while my son may not need those algebra skills for his career as a reptile zoo owner/chef, he does need them for being successful in algebra 2…and calculus, and trig…and whatever collegiate level math classes he needs to be a successful reptile zoo keeper/chef.
Lord help me… or maybe Lord help my sons. I did a check in with their teachers today….Fun times. We had a chemistry situation with my older son in which he ignored the assignment last week because it didn’t come from his teacher. Well, his actual teacher is out for a bit, and a different teacher took over. Would have been good to know, but its all good now, he is all caught up. It looked like my younger son had some missing assignments, which he said he did and he submitted, and to his credit I watched him do them…but this wouldn’t be the first time he did the work but failed to turn it in…By the time it was all sorted out…I think he asked me at least three times why I was yelling. I don’t think I was yelling per se….articulating loudly? Maybe. This is hard. I am an educator and this is hard. My heart goes out to the parents who are educating their children with out the benefit of a background in education. Hopefully they are being nicer than I am.
So you remember before you had kids, when you had extra time to read and you could get away with using your reading time to read smut like Cosmo (as opposed to now where we read work related informational books or in a splurge read…true crime). Remember those silly quizzes that would tell you with 100% accuracy what color you should dye your hair, what bathing suit you should wear for your body type, and what you should eat to produce the pheromones that would attract your soul mate? Well my friends…I have one upped Cosmo. I have created the “How Pandemic Crazy Are You quiz…Just call it the Crazy-O-meter…
- How often do you wash your hair? A. Every day, you fool! (1 point) B. Every few days…what is the point when I don’t see anyone? (2 points) C. Once a week…my hair needs a break from products, heat…and yeah…that’s just an excuse. (3 points)
- The last time you wore Jeans: A. You cried when they wouldn’t button (1 point) B. You felt super glamorous so you put on some mascara too (2 points) C. Ummm, why would I wear jeans right now? (3 points)
- Your daily schedule consists of: A. schedule? what schedule? I tell my kids the chore list is ready and I’ll be ready to get started as soon as I finish this nap…guaranteeing their silence for at least an hour. (3 points) B. Healthy Breakfast, reading time, outdoor activities time, critical thinking and problem solving time, a google classroom/zoom meeting…lunch…..screw it…where is the wine?!? (2 points) C. A nice balance of leisure and learning…but it is laid back…I’m not dying on any hills. (0 points)
- After cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner, and cleaning up from breakfast, lunch and dinner for 3 days straight, you decide to get take out, your explanation is: A. we are keeping the economy going by contributing to a small business (1 point) B. You can eat a hot meal from somewhere else or cereal. (2 points) C. I HOPE you didn’t just ask me that question… (eyes narrowed, foot tapping). (3 points)
- Your children are bored. Again. You: A. whip out the arts and crafts box and make a magical creation (0 points) B. get out all of the 80’s movies you loved at their age and make popcorn, and have wine in a coffee mug (1 point) C. Let them know that the chore list is all ready to go and you plan to get started when you wake up from your nap. (5 points)
- The news comes on, do you: A. Turn the channel to something predictable so your kids are not disturbed knowing you can watch it later on DVR ( 0 points) B. Watch it, but discreetly turn the sound down, and think about what you will say to your kids when they start asking questions ( 0 points) C. Begin arguing with the newscaster and cursing under your breath (2 points) D. Begin calling the people in the news names, and cursing loudly (3 points)
- In dealing with the day to day stresses of working from home, being the head cook, housekeeper, teacher, entertainer and referee, how many times a day do you curse? A. Never (0 points) B. More often than before the pandemic but quietly and privately so the kids don’t hear you (0 points) C. FFS what kind of effin question is that? (2 points) D. WTF kind of question is that? My kid’s first word was shit. (1 point)
- In dealing with the day to day stresses of working from home, being the head cook, housekeeper, teacher, entertainer and referee, how to you typically begin to unwind (Have an adult grape juice or other preferable relaxing beverage)? A. Bailey’s in my coffee (1 point) B. wine in my coffee mug (1 point) C. Social hour like all civilized people (1 point) D. a nice little nightcap (1 point) E. All of the above. (5 points) F. None of the above. (2 points)
- Your child’s teacher uploads all the weekly assignments in google classroom, as you are perusing them to plan your week, you notice something you don’t understand, do you: A. Google it…it can’t be that stinking hard (1 point) B. Blow up the teacher’s email, dojo and google classroom every 5 minutes until you get the clarification you seek (5 points) C. Email the teacher and let them know you have a question, but can wait until office hours to get an answer (1 point) D. Wing it… My kid needs to figure out how to problem solve too (0 points) E. Wing it…I’m not admitting I don’t know (2 points)
Scoring:
5 or less points- you are cool as a cucumber, ready to take on any challenge. You have some mad coping skills and should probably become a self help guru.
6-13 points- you might be going a little stir crazy…might be time to take one of those naps you keep using as an excuse or do some yoga. Cardio kick boxing in your basement might be a good idea too…as long as no one else is around to see it. Also, might want to look into some relaxing tea…that reads tea, not hot toddy.
14-20 points- You are crazy as a shit house rat…especially if you are closer to 20. It might be a good idea for you to get take out every night because I’m not sure you should be around sharp objects in the kitchen. It might also be a good time to look into self hypnosis and maybe teletherapy.
21 or more points- you are effin Bat Shit Crazy. Might be a good time to self quarantine in your room for everyone else’s sake.
