As moms, educators or not, working out side the home moms and stay at home moms, we work hard. We are often the first ones up, and the last ones to bed. We do the work that doesn’t really count as ‘work’…meal preparation, house cleaning, laundry, organizing, yard care, child care, grocery shopping (ugh HATE grocery shopping), paying bills, running errands. If you work outside the home, you have 8 less hours in a day to do all the same tasks….and it is HARD.
Some women make it look easy, some women have hired help- someone to come help with the kids, someone to clean the house. And some are a hot mess, and do it all. That would be me, although sometimes less effectively than other times. My kitchen table has stacks of mail, and there is always a basket of laundry that needs laundered….among other things. MANY other things.
When I was a younger mom with five kids at home, including two toddlers, I had the rotating color coded chore chart. I would swear, as would my older kids, that this chart was the bane of their existence. Depending on which week it was they each had a color assigned. Colors switched every week and had a different list of daily and weekly chores attached to it. I would print this chart out in calendar form and post it in a clear binder sleeve in the fridge. This helped with the tasks, but not the squabbles about tasks… “M didn’t wipe the counters correctly last week so now I have extra work this week”…”T needs to quit blowing snot rockets in the shower on my week to clean the bathroom…” .
The point here is that even when we delegate tasks, mom life is still crazy, sometimes overwhelming, busy, and full. Truth be told, most of us chose this, and wouldn’t change it for the world. Truth be told, we are often at capacity, and as the people who provide the care for other people, we cant neglect caring four ourselves.
Number One Rule of Self Care: Model Healthy Coping Skills
It doesn’t matter if your children are boys or girls; they are still going to find times in life for different reasons that they feel overwhelmed and ready to boil over. I always used the words “I’m at capacity” to communicate when I needed a few minutes to center myself. It is easy to become frustrated when you have to get the kids across town to practice, get to the post office before it closes, and stop by the store to get the necessities, but have to wait for a kid to find their other shoe, make sure the dog is secured in the kennel, move the wash to the dryer, and confirm the ortho appointment. In those moments it is easy to snap, use a raised voice, and get irritated with the kid with the lost shoe. I have to be conscious in those moments and use my words not actions- I am at capacity. Unfortunately for me, sometimes I forget to use my words, snap at my kids, and then have to apologize and explain that I am at capacity and it isn’t their fault. Modeling that it is ok to be wrong is probably the best life skill. Anyway…. in theory, it’s great to be able to take a moment, prioritize the tasks, delegate what can be delegated, postpone what can be postponed, and do the best you can. Healthy coping skills in this area may mean not perpetuating the idea that one person can do it all. One person can’t.
Number Two Rule of Self Care: Mom Time
I cant emphasize this enough: TAKE TIME FOR YOU. So many moms, especially new moms, lose their pre-mom identity once they have kids. They no longer have time for their hobbies, routines, and guilty pleasures. Give yourself permission to take time for yourself each day. Carving that time out is hard, and requires careful planning, prioritizing, and collaboration with the other adults in your life.
When my older children were small and I didn’t have another adult handy I would prioritize my ‘me’ time over housework. The dishes and laundry weren’t going anywhere, but my sanity might. I had a scheduled quiet time (nap time, but when you have a child who never sleeps, it required redefinition) that was 40 minutes long. This was MY time- I would put in Insanity, read a book, craft… but it was my time.
Having my time made me feel less resentful of the demands others made on my time because I knew I had my time coming. The caveat to this was that in order for me to have my time, my kids still had to be safe and cared for: there was no locking them in a room to cry while I had my time. It took training, cooperation from my older kids, and honestly, some days I didn’t get my ‘me time’ until after bed time.
Number Three Rule of Self Care: Do NOT Neglect Your Needs.
This is a hard one for many moms. From the small things like finding Two minutes to floss your teeth to the time and sometimes money for hair cuts…do not let your needs become lost under the pile of everyone else’s needs. For me the need that was most often neglected when my kids were younger was exercise. I was an avid gym goer in my early 20’s and took my older kids to the gym with me in the evenings and they would color and read books while I got my work out in. When my youngers were born, this was no longer feasible…we had homework, sports practices, scouts…and there went my me time. I didn’t realize the toll this took on me until my youngers started school. My cholesterol was off the charts, I had long since lost my toned athletic structure and I was just skinny, my self image had taken a hit, and the worst part of it….I couldn’t keep up with my kids. I was OUT.OF.SHAPE. While the gym wasn’t an option with five kids who needed me, I started running early in the mornings before everyone woke up, and later started doing insanity in the evenings. Managing your health is critical, and making sure you have time to eat healthy meals and care for your body, mind and spirit goes a long way in making sure you can go the distance in caring for others.
Number Four Rule of Self Care: Positive Self Talk
I can’t emphasize this enough. If you are anything like me, you are your own worst critic. I was the imperfect perfectionist for many years, and I got down on myself more than was necessary. As women and moms, sometimes we set impossible standards for ourselves, and when we don’t meet the standard…sometimes we aren’t so kind to ourselves. Another pitfall we have is comparing ourselves to other moms and feeling like we don’t measure up. We may not even realize it when we do it, but sometimes our inner monologue is harder on us than anyone…and it shouldn’t be.
Make sure you are filling yourself up with positive affirmations and recognizing in yourself all your strengths, talents, gifts and the goodness. I used to have little post it notes hidden around my house with positive affirmations written on them so that I would be reminded to affirm myself. I felt silly and didn’t want my husband and kids to know I was giving myself these little pep talks through out the day…looking back though I wish I was more open about this because modeling how to take care of myself emotionally would have been a good thing for my kids to see.
Number Five Rule of Self Care: Be spiritual…Connect with God, the cosmos…Mother Nature…
Whatever your belief system entails…believe, and engage in the act of believing regularly. Meditate, Pray, Sing… what ever it is you do to bring on the inner peace…do it and do it as often as you can.
Final Thoughts on Self Care…
I don’t have all the answers, and I am sure I have overlooked some very important elements of keeping ourselves in a healthy space physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am a practitioner of these ideas, and some days I am a rock star…and some days I have to give my self permission to say “Tomorrow is a new day”. If you have some advice for our sister friends, please share in the comments…we are all in this together!
