I think as parents, our parenting is heavily influenced by our parents, just not in the ways that many people think. I’ll clarify: yes, I take many of the same parenting approaches that my mom took when raising me, from discipline to values….just as I see my children using many of those same strategies with their children. But I feel like there is a deeper undercurrent to that influence, something that speaks to the inner self of who our parents were as people and how they raised us, and the inner selves of who we are and how we raise our children.
Since my mom’s passing, I have inherited her journals. Those journals sat in the bag I brought them from Arizona in and each day I would look at the bag, look at the books, and know I wasn’t ready to go there. Then one day, as I was missing my mom to my core, I decided it was time and I pulled them out and read them chronologically.
My mom journaled from the time she was in high school until I was in high school, and while I was at first torn about reading her personal thoughts, I think after reading them, that she wrote them for me. She included my name in the ‘property of…’ inscription she put in all her books, but I also think that she wanted me to see and understand a dimension of herself that she didn’t portray to me in life.
She wrote mainly about her perceived challenges, goals for spiritual growth, and sometimes what she perceived to be pain and loss. She wrote that she would often go back and reread her journals and reflect on her own human and emotional evolution. In many ways the internal monologue she committed to her journals was a spring board for reflection. I learned a lot about her relationships with her mom, my dad, and other people impacting her life over the years. I learned that she expereinced things that I’m not sure she shared with another living soul.
In many ways, after reading her journals I have a different understanding of who she was as a person. I think growing up I saw her as two dimensional, but after reading her journals have discovered a third dimension to her, a side of her that may have played a bigger role in the person I grew up to be that I ever understood before. I have said this before, I am exactly who she raised, but now I know why.
My mom raised me to be happy in my own skin. She instilled in me a preference for healthy food, and would even tell me she was raising a thin person when I was younger. This was never done in a derogatory way, but she struggled with her weight and self image, and always encouraged me to love myself: body, mind and spirit.
My mom raised me to be independent….Fiercely independent and comfortable with my own company. Some people may say too independent, but I actually have many times where I would actually prefer to be alone than in the company of others. I’m not introverted, shy, or suffering from social anxiety. I just recognize that so often, my own energy is enough. Quiet solitude with my own musings and ideas is enough.
My mom raised me to serve, to lead, and to be community oriented. She felt being a value to your community was important. This is a fine line, because it isn’t about community acceptance, she often bucked the community norms and danced to her own drum, but it could never be argued that when her service to the community was needed….nursing, advocacy, support….she was there and always willing.
In each of these things, there are aspects of deep reflection about herself, that led her to be intentional with me, the messages she gave me, and how she communicated expectations to me.
I have a different understanding of why she felt it was so important to instill in me this same set of values. As I reflect on my parenting, the themes that ran through her life with such prevalence that she made them a priority in the lessons she taught me, were different than the themes that run through my life and have impacted the lessons I have tried to teach my children. In a way, I wish I knew this third dimension in my mom, I wish I understood her ‘why’ just a little better, and a little bit sooner. I understand as a young child why she shielded me from this side of her, but as an adult child, I wish I could have been more present in knowing who she was and walking beside her in her journey. As a parent, I wish I would have understood her intentionality in the lessons she taught, and done the same.
