Circling my Emotional Wagons

My Gran was a story teller. She often told me stories of when she was a child, and the stories from the ‘olden days’ that were passed down to her. She would tell me our family were pioneers who came across the country in a covered wagon, facing tough times to establish a homestead in Mogollon New Mexico Territory, which eventually became Mogollon, Arizona after statehood in 1912. Fun Fact: My great great grandmother was the first school teacher in Arizona in a one room school house in Mogollon.

The stories I remember most are the ones of survival and peril the family faced crossing the country, and the oral tradition of story telling around the campfire once the wagons were circled for safety. She used to tell me these stories, much for the same reason they were told back then, to keep my mind from my worries and provide distraction in times of uncertainty. As a child, I was a worrier and her stories kept my worry at bay as I imagine the stories the elders told to the ‘younguns’ on the wagon train, eased their minds at the end of a long day. When my Gran would catch me worrying, she would tell me, ‘Easy does it’, and start the story telling. That was her way helping me to circle the wagons.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve had a few conversations with a few people, that at the time were head scratchers, but now upon reflection were probably a response to me circling my emotional wagons. One person, who hasn’t known me long, but who ‘gets’ me texted me just to check in. Another person approached me and asked if I was upset with them for something. In most senses I am ‘fine’, and not upset with a person in particular, but I am probably not my usual exuberant self. With alot on my mind and a little bit of worry occupying my thoughts, I have closed my self off a little, maybe to reduce stressful stimulus. My wagons are circled as I try to stay centered, focused on the here and now, and being more cautious with my mental health.

As I have been out running, I have also been thinking, reflecting, pondering and dwelling. I have been trying not to borrow trouble and be a worrywart over things I can’t control. From early on in my life, and maybe this was my Gran’s AA ideology coming out, but she always told me that I can’t control others, (or situations) but I can control my response.

We are living in a world of so much uncertainty right now. Unprecedented times they say. Indeed, there is so much that is outside my realm of control, but that impacts me and my life, and as part of my response, I have circled my wagons; I have spent less time on social media, with friends, and socializing (well…duh social distancing and all). My screentime report has been down every week for the last three weeks. I have spent my time working, reading, listening to NPR and exercising. I also have not been sleeping, which is not unusual for me…ask my husband, he will facetiously tell you I haven’t slept since 1985.

In these crazy times we live in, maybe we all need to circle our wagons, make self care a priority, and worry less and enjoy more. For my fellow educators, we have so much uncertainty in our futures: Will we have a job when the end of the month rolls around? What will next school year look like? How can we do the same job with fewer human and other resources? How is this impacting this generation of students? How do we address the mental health tolls this is taking on our students? Families? Community?

We don’t have answers to these questions, and our locus of control doesn’t even begin to be such that we can….Above our pay grade? But is these crazy days, Circle your wagons, practice good self care, stay centered on what matters, and find happiness in the small things…

If ever there was a time for one of Gran’s stories…now would be it.