Thank you for letting me know that you feel your child is being targeted unfairly by the teacher. Yes, I know the teacher has reached out several times to let you know that your child does not react well to being corrected, and you are tired of hearing this. Yes, I know you feel like the teacher doesn’t understand/like/believe in your child. Yes, I know you believe that the teacher doesn’t have nice things to say about your child because all you have heard are the concerns.
Here is what you may not have heard. The teacher has fielded no fewer than a complaint each week from the parent of another child and often more than one complaint, and often more than once per week about the way your child has antagonized, teased, bullied, disrespected or violated another child’s boundaries. Often these behaviors are covert, done on the sly and when other children report, your child denies the allegation, reports that they are actually the victim, cries that no one believes them, or calls the other child a liar.
Here is what you may not have heard. The teacher has overlooked your child’s lesser behaviors in the hope that no attention would eventually extinguish the issue. The behaviors then increase until the child has achieved their payout….attention. And now you have heard from the teacher. ‘Well’ you say, ‘What about noticing the positives, complimenting them when they do the right things?’ Ma’am…your child receives numerous compliments, affirmations, and reinforcements from multiple people through out the day.
Here is what you may not have heard. The teacher has decided to ‘pick their battles’ when it comes to your child because the back talk, argument and dysregulation that often comes with correcting behavior is more disruptive that the initial behavior itself. Chances are, your child knows this. Chances are this is why they do this.
Here is what you may not have heard. The teacher feels that she needs to keep a constant watch on your child because the minute her back is turned, your child is taking advantage of the opportunity to get some attention from a classmate by pinching, name calling, engaging in conversations at inappropriate times, fooling around and acting like the class clown, or whatever their MO is that gets you the parent email, phone call, class dojo message….
Here is what you may not have heard. The teacher has gone to the teacher from the prior year to find out what works for your child. She has heard all the things that were tried in the previous year, with minimal successes. She has tried many of the strategies that the previous teacher has suggested, but those old tricks no longer work or no longer motivate your child, meanwhile their lack of respect for boundaries grows, and their willingness to see how far they can go increases.
Here is what you may be aware of, but not really accepting. The teacher has taken your child’s case to the child study team to get support in providing interventions. You may have even sat in the meeting and suggested that you are backing the school and the teacher 100% BUT if the teacher would just…..
From the principals office, we have tried to be gentle in the approach, because we don’t want to damage the partnership, or alienate the family. From the principals office we have had conversations about the reputation your child is earning when they act up in class and are the topic of conversation around another child’s dinner table. From the principals office we have made phone calls home to come get your child because the level of dysregulation is disrupting their learning and that of others in the class. From the principals office, we have fielded complaints from parents about your child being a bully. From the principals office we have investigated reports about your child only for the child to deny any allegations, despite the preponderance of evidence. From the principals office we have watched your child do things on video, only to have them deny it, and to have the parent sigh, and begrudgingly accept that their child will have consequences imposed while they make excuses about why their child did what they did. From the principal’s office we have received requests from the parents in your child’s class that they don’t care what teacher their child has, as long as it is not with your child next year.
When it comes to the behavior of children, parents need to make learning the priority. Children make mistakes. People make mistakes. When we make the stakes for mistakes so high that children are not comfortable making them, we teach them to be sneaky. We teach them to be dishonest. When we communicate that we don’t believe our children are capable of making mistakes because ‘We have taught them better’ we put them in a position of the unattainable. Part of teaching children unconditional love is teaching them that we love them even when they make a mistake. And we teach them to learn from it.
The school’s job is to help families raise successful, productive people that other people enjoy being around. Our job is to support parents in teaching students to be responsible, accountable, and ready to be independent learners, thinkers, and eventually adults. When children are not accountable for their choices, and the ownership for poor behavior is transferred to the teacher, the unspoken message is that the child doesn’t have to change because the adults will. And if they don’t change the behavior it is ok because their parent will come to their defense.
If this is a letter to you, please consider how your child will respond to a police officer while being pulled over for speeding. Please consider how your child will respond when receiving a performance review for their job, or feedback from a college professor, high school football coach, or future romantic partner. Even if these are not the things you are thinking about when you are venting about how awful your child’s teacher is when she sent you a message about the rough afternoon your child had, or the missed recess they earned, these are the things your child’s teacher is thinking about when they held your child accountable for misbehavior.
