Santa’s Favorite Elf… Or…The REAL Reason Santa Delegates

Tis the season…

Endless ‘to do’ lists in order to make the magic happen….the long days of planning and preparation that take place in order to make the holiday season memorable and fun for the family is exhausting for Santa’s favorite elf…me.

I don’t think people realize how much effort goes into making the Holidays Bright. By people, I mean men. Disclaimer here: If you are one of the rare men who does all of these things, you have a future in personal coaching and I am sure that women across the country will pay you to teach their husbands. Also…Kudos to you. It isn’t easy!

House Decorating

Oh boy. This usually takes me no less than two full days, between a thorough cleaning and dusting…can’t hang decor on dust. Each room in the house has a different theme, and each theme is packed into labeled totes, so when I pull the totes from the basement, they go directly to the assigned location. Every once in a while, I might mix it up, or go with a new theme all together. Sometimes if I am feeling adventurous I might even trade rooms. Each room has it’s own tree, some smaller than others, and there is a Santa for each room as well.

I must add a…well a complaint. Somehow, someway each year I am missing a tote. Last year it was the candy cane theme, this year it is all my decorative sleds..and my mitten cookie cutter. All the people in my home insist that the totes can’t possibly have disappeared, and that I must have ‘lost’ them. NO. Last year I reorganized ALL the totes in the basement, and Candy Cane theme was NOT there. Anywho, I am not crazy, I KNOW where I put my stuff and I suspect someone who shall remain nameless but whose name rhymes with Jon is secretly pitching stuff because he thinks we have too much.

Supervising the exterior did not go as planned this year as my….what would be the word for the person below the elf? minion? serf? eh anyway…he decided to go with colored lights. I prefer clear because it goes with the doorway and porch decor better….but. Well I guess since the ONLY thing I didn’t do in preparation for the holiday was get on the roof, Colored lights it is.

Christmas Cards

Oh the joy. Since I didn’t get it together to ordering of those photo montages of the family, I bought a box of cards. Super cute cards that even my mom, never one to really go all in for Christmas (and probably the reason why I go ALL in) would like, doggies driving Volkswagens. Then to write out all the cards, locate the addresses, buy the dang stamps…which means a trip to the dang post office which has funky hours that do NOT coincide with my work hours….Then to make sure that I have sent everyone on the list a card, and reciprocated for anyone who sent me a card but was not on the list, and then to add them to the list for next year.

Christmas Shopping

Ordinarily, I like to shop. I like to buy things. I like to buy things for other people….but I don’t like lines, gross people* and crowds, and that seems to be in abundance in public these days. I went to Bath and Body Works after work one day for the candle sale….yeah ladies…you know the one: cheap candles, Lines out the door, crowds, and gross people. Do people really feel ok about leaving their house at 5:30 PM wearing their dirty pajamas, lunch drips and yesterday’s makeup? Apparently so.

The Christmas shopping list is a list all it’s own as you have immediate family, extended family, Grands, friends, kids friends, colleagues, secret Santas and white elephant. Then when you have multiple kids, you must shop equitably. Along with that list the sub lists for the kids that includes ‘the big gift’, smaller gifts, useful gifts and stocking stuffers. If your children are adults this gets trickier, and even more so when they live 2000 miles away and you must have everything shipped…which means another trip to the dreaded postoffice with craptastic hours, long lines, and depending on which branch you go to…gross people*.

Then there is the online shopping and cyber Monday. One would think this would be the easiest way to shop, but no…Not for Mrs. Too Type A For Her Own Good. Online shopping means spreadsheets (yes Jen…laugh away) so that I can track my order, how much I spent, who the gift is intended for, estimated delivery date, tracking information and actual delivery date.

Christmas wrapping and gift prep

What a chore. For me, this means before I can prepare to wrap and prepare gifts for distribution, I must first clear off the craft table of whatever half finished project I have going on. Then I must assess the bag collection of recycled bags, ribbon collection and leftover paper from years past to determine what is needed to coordinate the gift wrap to the trees in use for Christmas morning. Then I have to harass my children to locate the tape and the scissors that are sharpied up with “stolen from Mom” . And then comes hours of wrapping. Hours, and hours. And once everything is wrapped it has to be stashed because no matter how awesome your kids are, they will sneak. Guaranteed.

Baking and Fudge

For Fudge sake. I don’t know why I need 10 pounds of fudge every year, but I do. I usually make several varieties, and one with liquor. Then it is a matter of sealing it up and making sure no one cuts into it before I have a chance to cut it for distribution. Then I have to weigh each bag and write down how much fudge I have…down to the gram…before I put it away so I can tell if any grinches have been sneaking fudge. Just to clear up any misconceptions, I do let my family have some after I have packaged fudge for teachers at 2 schools, the IT department, the Maintenance and Operations department, Transportation, District Office, the family party, and any of Hubby’s colleagues or former employers who are on the fudge list. There are plenty of reject pieces that are either not square, or somehow mis-shapen for them to eat.

Christmas Cookie Decorating Party

My children were super lucky that they had this super special person in their lives that would plan a magical day of cookie decorating, candy making, home made pizza lunch, nature walking holiday goodness. Spoiler Alert….it wasn’t me. My friend Jessica is Truly Santa’s Favorite Elf…I’m just a wannabe. But she did this cookie extravaganza every year for my kids. And then we moved across the country and I suddenly had to figure out cookies. I won’t lie…the first year was a complete shit show as far as the baking went. My cookies were complete crap and I ended up going to Gordon’s and buying precut out sugar cookies that you just put on a sheet and bake. The icing and decorations were foolproof…only because the icing recipe is super basic. I spent the next year practicing sugar cookie recipes…and I now have one I LOVE! I have it mastered…my cut cookies come out beautifully shaped, perfectly buttery, just enough sweet….so now the cookie decorating party continues each year. The boys invite friends and we spend an evening decorating cookies.

Holiday Meal Planning, Preparation, and Clean Up

Nothing says tradition in our family like turkey. But this isn’t the only meal planning and prep I have to do. I also have to plan for meals and passing dishes for family get togethers, cookie parties, hors d’oeuvres, Christmas breakfast and dinner, New Years…plus the planning for leftovers….turkey chili, turkey tacos, turkey soup…which means extensive grocery lists that go beyond the weekly grocery run. This means battling crowds who all want the last bag of organic seasoned cornbread crumbs, standing in LONG lines at the check out and dealing with gross people*. This means you can’t forget the chopped olives, rubbed sage, crushed pineapple, coconut flakes, fresh herbs, cranberries…or any of the other 20 ingredients that are used in the three week period of time between December 10th and New Years. This entails at least 25 extra grocery bags that I have to load into my car, unload into my house and unpack….Then I have to hide half of this stuff so that kids don’t think it is a special snack…eat the dang dole fruit cups NOT the can of crushed pineapple!!! Inevitably…there are multiple runs to the store when I discover that the pineapple and coconut were eaten, or that someone used up all the cornstarch on something that wasn’t food.

Christmas Eve

So here I am….checking over all my lists and spreadsheets, stuffing stockings, prepping the hors d’oeuvres, and waiting for kids to go to bed so I can pull all the gifts I have stashed in front of my closet (sorry people, no room IN the closet) and artfully arrange them under the tree. Then it is on the prepping the upside down french toast and Mexican hot chocolate for the morning before I sit in solitude basking in the glow of my Christmas lights sipping a glass of champagne reflecting on how next year I am NOT going though all of this and we are booking a cruise instead.

Christmas Morning

After the gifts are opened, the bags are put in the precious bag recycling container, and the trash taken out it is time to stuff the bird, cook like a madwoman, while simultaneously taking down holiday decor from 6 rooms plus the entry way, stuffing it all back into the appropriate tote (Which are now numbered in order to prevent further unexplained losses) all while basting the bird and preparing the sides. Yes, yes…epiphany. I know. God forgive me but I can’t take another minute of Christmas. And, I want a week to just relax in my house.

Clean the house

Pine needles. Enough said. Even fake trees shed, and when you have 5 of them…

So, My dear friends…In case I haven’t mentioned it, I think next year we are going on a cruise.

*Don’t take offense at my gross people comments. For those who know me, you know I have always had issues with other people and their germs. Covid hasn’t helped.