With Great Love Also Comes Great Sorrow: Reflections on Loss During Times of Gratitude

Not to be a downer on Thanksgiving because truly, I am thankful. But for many people, holidays are just a little harder. Until last year though, I wasn’t one of those people so I didn’t know. Loss of a parent, sibling or spouse changes you emotionally and irrevocably. And you don’t know it until you know it.

So if you are one of those people who has NOT experienced this….listen up because I am talking to you.

Grief is not a one and done. As much as we would like to believe it is….it most certainly is not. Grief on the level of losing a parent, sibling, child or spouse never goes away, and it fundamentally changes your perception of self and your identity. It is hard for people around you to understand that, because if they haven’t experienced loss, it isn’t really like you are still you but sadder or moodier, but it is more than just the person that was lost: it is the relationship and role in life along with it.

When you lose a child, you are no longer parenting -even if you have other children, each parenting relationship with each child is different. When you lose a spouse, you are no longer a unit. When you lose a parent, you are no longer someone’s child. These changes in relationship dynamics ripple out and affect all your other relationships. Some in healthy ways as we improve and strengthen our bonds, and others in not so healthy ways if we shut down. After a loss, we may re-evaluate or realign our relationships as part of the paradigm shift of where and who we are emotionally in place and time as part of reorganizing our support network of loved ones.

If you have a relationship with someone who has experienced great loss, know that your role and support are so very necessary as part of the realignment of our relationships as we find ways to fill the void of the loss we have experienced. Our healthy coping skills include having a support system that allows us to grieve, is emotionally available to us, and processes the grief with us, recognizes the trigger of the grief and when it pops up, and understands why we are triggered. Supporting someone through loss requires empathy, patience and understanding. The gift of time, space and compassion for a grieving person is immeasurable.

There is no expiration date on loss. The movies portray widows in black for a year, as if somehow after a year, they are no longer mourning. Maybe for people who haven’t experienced loss this makes sense…right….? After time you just ‘get over it’. But that isn’t really how it works for emotionally healthy individuals. Yes, over time as we have re aligned our relationships post death, we develop coping skills to help lessen the impact of grief on our daily lives and emotional well being, but the grief is still there. And some days that grief rears it head more than others.

Especially around the holidays and special occasions. Especially when memories of years past come up. Especially those dang old Facebook memories. Especially when an event or situation comes up and you need the advice of that person, or you see something that person would have really enjoyed. All that grief washes over you, and no matter how many great coping strategies you have developed, those feelings are all right there at the surface, and the support network of loved ones helps us process through this.

Being ‘prepared for the loss’ doesn’t really help, although I am sure you process it differently than a sudden and unexplained loss. A slow loss is hard in that while you get to have those walks down memory lane, and you get just a little more time….it is hard time. Watching someone you love in their last days is traumatic no matter if it is cancer, Alzheimer’s, or an accident or whatever it may be. The mixed emotions of wanting them to stay because you need them, but also recognizing the suffering and time to let go… celebrating life while awaiting death is a hard place to be emotionally, and that too stays with a person. The quick demise, though I have not experienced it, would be hard because you don’t have those final moments, that sense of closure. Either way you experience it, I don’t think one is ever truly ready to say goodbye.

If you are one of those people, and there are many in my circle who have experienced the losses of their siblings, parents, in-laws, and close friends in this last year, may those memories that bring you sadness today also bring you joy. May those moments when you wish you could pick up the phone and share something funny, or ask their opinion, or just hear their voice remind you how fortunate you were for the times you did have. May you have the support you need in talking about and sharing memories of the good times, hard times, and lessons learned with gladness in your heart. I hope you have found a way to keep their spirit alive and honor their time on earth as you move forward in your own life.

With great love, also comes great sorrow and not everyone is so fortunate and blessed to have experienced great love. I am keeping my momma’s spirit with me as I stuff a turkey with the secret family stuffing recipe, make the traditional gravy my momma taught me to make, and as I curse because I should have paid more attention to the whole pie crust lessons she tried numerous times to teach me. We will have a tray of ‘hors dovers’ as she jokingly called them complete with her grandkids favorite meat rolls and artichoke dip. And I even made the blueberry pie….good thing my auntie paid more attention to the pie crust lesson than I did.

Much love to those missing their loved ones today. Happy Thanksgiving.